Congressional Recess

Your national lawmaker will soon be headed home to spend a well-earned month off after spending at least one grueling month in D.C. drinking free lobbysit whiskey and wondering whether or not their personal phone number would show up in the D.C. Madam's little black book. This may be your only chance to tell them how you feel about things that matter back home. After getting an earful on immigration reform over the Memorial Day recess, several soft-spined electeds changed their positions when it became clear their back-home funding was threatened. They're ready to cave in again if the proper pressure is once again applied to their wallets. If they're in your neighborhood, give them an earful...but not a dime. They'll eventually get the message. And maybe they'll start to figure out why congressional approval ratings are lower than those of the president.

Nothing Says "I Love You" Like...

Panda Poop?

You Want Sodium With That?

McDonald's salads saltier than Big Macs

Music Hath Charms To Soothe...

The savage gangsta

Vegansexuals? Don't ask.

New Zealanders say no monkey business with meat eaters

Tour de Shame?

The world's most famous bicycle race limped to a close as a Spaniard won the Tour de France by 23 seconds over his nearest rival. All in all, the French were probably glad to have this abomination over and done with. That's because for several years now, the news from the tour has been more about which competitors are illegally doped than bicycle racing. The highlight of this year's tour wasn't the grueling climb throgh the Alps, but the expulsion of several frontrunners for either testing positive for dope or missing prerace tests which could have shown they were taking banned substances. Last year's winner, Floyd Landis, wasn't on hand, since he's still back home sulking and suing after having his 2006 title pulled when postrace drug tests came back positive. Meanwhile, people around the world are seeking a sport where the "athletes" rely more on talent than drugs to win. Maybe NASCAR.

Needed:

a zillion French fries

You Light Up My...

appendix operation

Jack Bauer Gets Religion?

Possible new plot line for TV's "24"

Cruel And Unusual Punishment?

That's what Tennessee convicts say

You Want Handcuffs With That?

Australian restaurant owner turns tables on thief

Is There A Doctor In The House?

Preferably, one who's awake

Surely The Pope Isn't Happy With

THIS!!!

Senior Strikes Back

Next time this robber may want to pick on someone his own age

Honest, Officer, It Wasn't Me

Teen bimbo Lindsey Lohan passes the buck and the car keys

Pit Bulls Are More Loyal

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick pleaded innocent Thursday to federal charges alleging his involvement in breeding, fighting and murdering pit bull terriers. All along Vick has said he financed the Virgina venture for a couple of old pals and didn't know what they were doing on his property. Looks like one of those old chums knows exactly what he's doing. That's why he just went to prosecutors and offered to testify against Vick and others. This is normally done in exchange for dropped charges or a lighter sentence. Vick is now one step closer to being vaporized. Read more here

One Way To Reduce Complaints

Indiana bank bans its own customers

Waiter, Make It A Double

Oops, She Did It Again

Fresh claims have surfaced that pop tart Britney Spears may be pregnant again. Several guys are vying to be named as official impregnators

They Used To Swear Off Whiskey

Looks like the "axis of evil" has shifted where political candidates and their spouses are concerned. Now, avoiding imported fruit ranks right up there with fighting terrorism as a national proority. Which explains why, as she campaigns for her husband's presidency, Elizabeth Edwards has vowed to make the ultimate sacrifice

Idiot Of The Week So Far

The award goes to me for trying to return an empty DVD box to the local video rental store. After a trip home to get the actual disc, the clerk was nice. Guess he figured I'd suffered enough humiliation for one day. But...things would be a lot easier if the rental DVDs came in see-through sleeves. That way, morons like me would know they're leaving home unloaded.

Vick Suspended By League. Will Club Follow?

Two days before the start of preseason training, the NFL suspended Atlanta Falcons quarterback Mike Vick—aka "Ookie"— from practice until the league can investigate dog fighting charges lodged against Vick in Virginia. Maybe the Falcons should follow suit and give Vick the year off to do community service work for PETA.

Oh Say, Can You...

remember the words to the Belgian national anthem

LIcense And Registration, Please

British pensioner busted for speeding on skis

Bill Gates Gets His Revenge

In India, at least, geeks will be masters of the universe

New Heights For Hygeine

Climbers on France's Mt. Blanc will find comfort in this high-altitude outhouse

Forget FEMA, Call Noah

Heavy rains in Britain are creating Katrina-like conditions for thousands of locals. Now the main problem is figuring out how to blame George Bush for this wet weather disaster

And We Want This Bunch To Run Health Care?

Not long after September 11, 2001, as the U.S. Senate grappled with improving airport security, many senators believed the answer to better security was a new federal program. The Transportation Security Authority (TSA) was born. At the time, now-defeated senator Tom Daschle (D-S. Dakota) famously said..."If you want to professionalize, you've got to federalize." Here's what we got

A Horror Greater Than Hillary?

The answer is "YES!" if you're a fan of my favorite TV show, "24." Word has reached the blog that the show's next season may feature a Female President! The news couldn't be worse. It was obvious last season that the show had been invaded by female writers, which expkained why half the episodes were devoted to discussing "issues" and "feelings" rather than torturing people and blowing things up. The dismal ratings proved "24's" audience prefers guts (mostly spilled) to glamor. If we get a female president, Jack Bauer will probably be assigned to attend sensitivity seminars instead of saving the world. Read more about this horror here

A Moment of Silence

This blog will be taking the rest of the day off in honor of President Bush's colonoscopy. As a "survivor" of said procedure, I can attest that the pres won't be doing much news-making himself today. And it looks like no one else is picking up the slack. Besides, the usual offering of silly stories was woefully weak this morning. Guess everybody's staying home to read the new Harry Potter book. Hope they all enjoy it.

Vick Getting Imus'd?

Atlanta Falcon's quarterback Micheal Vick was indicted this week for his alleged involvement in pit bull breeding and fighting. No surprise. Vick's a thug and pit bull fighting is the current entertainment of choice for the royalty of the hip hop culture's thugocracy. But...why stop at picking on Vick? Radio shock jock Don Imus was fired earlier this year for derogatory comments about basketball-playing women that were no worse than comments made by hundreds of other on-air personalities. For a while, there was a feeble attempt to go after the other smear merchants. That effort is now quiet as a churchmouse. Vick is only the biggest name to be publicly associated with pit bull fighting. Tens of thousands of lesser thugs do it every day with umpunity and very little effort to put a stop to this monstrous practice. If Vick is guilty, let him be nailed and jailed. But don't stop there. People with any sense or sensibility (sorry, Jane Austen) about this so-called "sport" should be pursued as vigorously as Vick. The only good ending for this story is a permanent end to dog fighting in our own back yards.

The Naked Truth

about global warming

Honest, Mom, I'm Studying For A Math Quiz

At least the dog can't eat their homework

Lawmen Decide To

Leave It To Beaver

Deadly Dumpster Find

Pentagon didn't know they'd misplaced an entire Patriot Missile

Sleepless In The Senate

The U.S. Senate used to (really) advertise themselves as the "Greatest Deliberative Body On Earth." These days, they're nothing but a bunch of spoiled children who can't pass a single piece of legislation becasuse they're too busy pointing fingers and calling names. Their latest high (or low) light came this week when the Senate held a slumber party complete with takeout pizza as they were arguing about funding the Iraq war. When it was over, the votes hadn't changed and a Democratic proposal was defeated as everyone expected. Now, theDemocrats are whining about the Republican minority being obstructionist. Sound famiiar? It should. The Republicans spent the last two years of their Senate majority accusing Democrats of the same thing. They're both right. And they're all a waste of time. We need fewer do-nothing whiners on both sides of the aisle and more people who know how to craft legislation and get it passed. This current Senate is a waste of oxygen. The sooner all 100 are replaced the better.

More Stuff Coming Soon

Thanks to two readers, Travis and Cameron for calling me to task for not doing a better job of sharing my personal thoughts and opinions in this space. I'll try and get around to it more often in addition to posting strange, stupid and otherwise useless (but fun) news items you might have missed in your local paper.

Horsing Around

This wan't a problem with Mr. Ed

Brit Finds Small Problem With

government health care

Girl Talk Blues

Study suggests women would be better off talking about sports

Where's PETA When You Need Them?

Looks like some German zoo employees thought they working at a hunting preserve

Bad Water Not The Only Danger...

for Belize Tourists

But What Does This Kid Do When It Gets Cold?

Finally, a real live victim of Global Warming

Not Me, Officer. It Was The Other Monkey. Cross My Heart.

Indian cops will have to catch this thief red-handed to solve this crime

WhyWe Need A Bald President

Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney reveals his membership in the expensive haircut club

Gore guests gag at environmentally awful feast

At his daughter's Beverly Hills wedding reception, Al Gore treated guests to a tasty helping of endangered fish

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Former CBS Producer

Might be a good cat fight on the way. Dan Rather's former producer Mary Mapes has some unkind remarks about Rather's replacement Katie Couric

World's Smartest Dog?

She might be great with customers, but can this mutt make change?

Rugby Rough Enough For One Man

No wonder this player had a headache

Naked Is In The News Again

Vermont town finally says no to nudity

Bus versus Bust in Germany

They say music can soothe the savage breast, but what about this?

Another Exxon Plot?

We've all heard of putting a tiger in your tank but this is ridiculous

At Least The Fishermen Were Happy

Folks in Jennings, Louisiana, couldn't believe their eyes when worms fell from the sky

Good Idea For A Horror Movie?

First it was spying squirrels in Iran. Now we get this animal atrocity from the Brits in Iraq.

One Hug Away From Victory In Iraq?

Some of our nation's leaders say peaceful negotiations can't lead to peace in Iraq. this group would disagree

I'll Have My Rat Over Easy, Please

Floods forced the rodents to big cities. So Chinese entrepreneurs are selling rats to restaurants

Animal Rights Atrocity

Where's PETA when you need them? Iranians have accused squirrels of spying

Temps Dropping Down Under

Maybe some parts of the world are warming, but shivering Australians are buying more sweaters

Pass The Advil, Please

A home mechanic learned that working on his truck could cause a real headache

"If You Think I'm Sexy..." Watch Your language!

Rocker Rod Stewart says he's so tired of onstage cussing, he's going to pay fans in cash if he does it himself

They're Making What?

Impatient Chinese don't pray for rain, theymake their own weather

Lose Those Leadfoot Blues

For those who like life in the fast lane, a Danish insurer is offering help for chonic speeders

More Alabama Pig Problems

Looks like Cullman, Alabama, is not exactly hog heaven

Yeah, But Does He Get Frequent Flyer Miles?

Thanks to a bunch of folks, including Bill Cole from St. Louis and Steve Hill from Newnan, for sending along this tale of a real high flyer

Wash Those Blues Right Out Of Your Hair?

French company says their product is cheaper than seeing a shrink

Are You Glad To See Me, Or Is That A Skyscraper In Your Pocket?

New San Diego building accused of being an advertisement for Viagra

Live Earth's Final Act

Maybe last weekend's Live Earth's concerts for "a climate in crisis" will have an impact on the world's weather but certain South Americans sure aren't worried about global warming

Maybe They Should Start The Search in Washington, D.C.

A group of scientists say we should expand the search for ET. They call it "weird life." Sound like your elected representative?

FISH FRY TO DIE FOR

Everybody likes fresh seafood but this is ridiculous.

Jo-Burg Gives Big Chill To Live Earth

Promoters of Saturday's Live Earth concert in Johannesburg, SA, blamed the small crowd on "poor publicity." Fans didn't. They skipped the anti-Global Warming concert because it was too cold

Bulls 7, Humans 0. Serves 'Em Right (the humans)

The bad news: The annual Running of the Bulls began a couple of day ago in Pamplona, Spain. The good news: the bulls are winning

Live Earth Concert A Planet Killer?

According to the U.K.'s Daily Mail, humanity in general may have to hold a global bake sale to cover the cost of carbon offsets for all the environmental damage done by folks at this weekend's Live Earth concerts.

Greenland Really Was!

Don't look now, but according to this group of scientists, global warming is nothing new to Greenland.

Chinese Outhouse Can House A Horde

In case you worried about toilet facilities at the 2008 Beijing Olympics, this should put your mind at rest.

Love The Earth? Lose The Meat.

In case you didn't believe there was a link between the Global Warming and militant vegetarian movements, here's more proof: Sprout munchers are urging organizers of London's Live Earth concert to ban burgers to save the world

The Price Of Freedom

As the United States of America celebrates its 231st birthday, it's always good to remember the high price of freedom. No one chronicled the cost better than Pulitzer Prize-winning war correspondent Ernie Pyle. Read what he saw on the Beaches of Normandy two days after the D-Day invasion on June 6, 1944.

Angelina Jolie's D Cup Bosoms Earn All As

Looks like the term Teacher's Pet has taken on a whole new meaning these days. Wonder if prospective employers are advised what these kids learned during their time at Sofia university?

Dangerous Drive-Thru

Folks working at fast food places better Mind their manners

Putting The CyberCart Before The Horse

Maybe the internet can save the world, but it helps to have some electricity to run your computer. One day these Nigerian school kids might have both...
Nigerian computers

Booty (re)Call

Bad news for vegetarians. After decades of preaching about the dangers of meat, sprout snackers learn that even vegetables can be hazardous to your health. Read about the recall of Veggie Booty at...

www.cnn.com/2007/HEALTH/06/29/veggie.booty.recall.ap/index.html

And They Wonder Why We Don't Like Them

Recent polls show President George Bush's unfavorable ratings in the low 20 percent range. That's bad. But the numbers for Congress are even worse. As expected, congressional creeps are blaming the other party for dismal poll numbers. Guess it hasn't occurred to them that, We, The People, are fed up with a bunch of whinig, do-nothing liars who care about nothing except getting re-elected.
But maybe our elected officials can't help their lying ways. According to Brit paper "The Telegraph," kids learn to start lying when they're six months old.
Details here:
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/earth/main.jhtml?xml=/earth/2007/07/01/scibaby101.xml