vacation dangers: death from the deep

It's vacation time. Some of you are going to the Florida. Some of you also don't get my thrice-a-week column. Read this offering from June 15 before booking your room in a wet spot. Then, enjoy. Florida's great any time.

Column follows:

DON'T GO NEAR THE WATER
Along the sugar sand beaches of Florida’s panhandle, there is always something to fear. In pre-Elvis America, folks wrung their hands over hurricanes.
When spring break turned trendy in the mid-60s, drunken partygoers became a bigger nuisance than crooked land developers.
And when the movie “Jaws” hit the big screen in 1975, people changed their beach habits for good. Including me.
I didn’t stay on dry land, but in addition to sunscreen, I started stocking my beach bag with a speargun, automatic rife and hand grenades. I also avoided water more than waist deep.
But in recent years, as more and more shark attacks have occurred in knee-deep (or less) water, I decided things might be safer along the peaceful rivers and lakes that adjoin the sandy shoreline.
I might as well have stayed in the ocean.
Like zillions of others, I figured if you stayed in fresh water, sharks weren’t a problem. Then I learned about the bull shark, the Elton John of the species, a creature that goes both ways, comfortable in both fresh and salt water. Unfortunately, I learned about bull sharks just after renting a canoe to cruise through a lake reputed to be a favorite bull shark buffet.
I couldn’t get a refund, so I stroked off into the unknown. It wasn't a peaceful paddle.
Even after that, I thought if you went far enough upstream, you’d be safe. Apparently, that's not the case either. You might avoid a shark attack, but other fearsome beasts are waiting to rain all over your Florida panhandle parade.
Just ask Ms. Tara Spears, who was just savaged by a sturgeon while boating on Florida's fabled Suwannee River.
According to The Associated Press, Spears was floating along and minding her own business when the surly sturgeon leaped from the water and, as we say down here, knocked her upside the head.
Since sturgeon grow to be 8 feet long and weigh 200 pounds, they can hit with the power of an NFL linebacker. The blow was enough to render poor Ms. Sparks not only uncomfortable, but unconscious.
She was rushed to a local hospital and will recover nicely from her injuries, although doctors fear she will develop a lingering fear of seafood. Bless her heart.
And this isn't the first such incident this year. Just a couple of months ago, a 50-year- old woman was damaged while riding a personal watercraft down the very same Suwannee River. In that incident, the flying sturgeon burst the woman’s spleen, knocked out a tooth and actually snapped off a handful (literally) of fingers.
Surgeons repaired most of the sturgeon damage and managed to reattach three fingers, although the pinkie was lost.
Talk about unadvertised hazards. I've been in boats when a mullet dropped in. And I was once grazed by a flying fish who mistook the deep sea charter boat for a landing strip. But I’ve never worried about soaring sturgeons. Until now.
I’m currently planning a vacation. If I wind up in Florida, chances are I won’t go near the water. I’ll just stick to the air-conditioned room. That is, unless the room has an aquarium. These days, you can’t be too careful.

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